"Not everyone who's smiling is happy..."

A friend of mine once told me "I wish I had your strength." I told her I'm not that strong. I'm just hiding my pain. She said " But you managed to get through the things that happened to you."

Get through...

How does one know if you really "got through" it all? I certainly do not know. Cause deep down inside this hell-hole a.k.a heart, I never really got through any of it at all. They're still there. The pain, the joys, the regrets. They're there. Lurking in the shadows. Maybe I got so used to being hurt - being second to somebody - that the pain only lingers for a little while. Then I'm up to my sunny disposition again. I told some of my friends that I heal fast. Emotionally, that is. That's what scares the crap out of me.

For years, I've been band-aiding parts of my heart. Every wound - whip out a band-aid. Wound, band-aid. Wound, band-aid. So, what do I do when these band-aids refuse to stick anymore? What if the band-aid I used to cover up the wounds simply lets go? How will I start to repair myself again?

I'm not that strong. I'm not worthy of any praise that "I made it through the rain." Well, it's still "raining" here from where I am.

The rain goes on and on.

And I'm running out of band-aids.


xoxo


***

"there are things that you don't want to think of, but you can't even forget it...

there are things that you don't want to continue, but you are afraid to end it...

it's just like you don't want to expect anything, but you are still willing to wait..."

~~~ i guess some people are born stupid..

***

what will you do with something which is lost?


find it.


if you cant find it?


replace it.


if you cant replace it?


forget it.


here's the question...


what will you do with something which is lost, cant be found, cant be replaced and cant be forgotten?




accept it.



---

"Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
I've lost my lights
I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

Once I ran to you
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a girl could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Tainted love

Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
You think love is to pray
I'm sorry I don't pray that way

Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go

Once I ran to you
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a girl could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Tainted love"

7 am and got nothing to do... im bored.. i miss HIM.. i miss my friends.. i miss everyone... i wish i can go back to college when i can see them and talk to them every day... back when things is not as complicated as now....